If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
