i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
