party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
How's work?
Spinning.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I believe in your delicious
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
