I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sorry my hands just texted you
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
