I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
