i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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