She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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