So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
