well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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