If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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