he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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