go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
