Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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