How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
