Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
