I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say