Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".