The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think this conversation is over.
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He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers