I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
