it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
