He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
