For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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