that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
