I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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