I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
