why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
