She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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