How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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