i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
