I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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