Fuck appropriateness.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
