Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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