were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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