pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
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I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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