I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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