I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
