I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
