I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
