I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
