Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
