There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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