she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
