Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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