please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
