you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
