i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
