He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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