he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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