I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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