I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
