Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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