i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
