Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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