anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
