sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
