walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
