i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
