party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
