I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
