im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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